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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Life aspirations, and report of how everything is coming along

It's even a wonder that I remember I have this blog. It's been almost a year since my last post. Sometimes I wonder about the kind of things I used to publish before, whether I'd read them with the same view or not. Well, in any case, I should try to not repeat the same things I always say.

Still on hiatus from whatever I used to do on the internet. Lots of life details that I'm not sure of revealing here on the web, as always. I can only take a few moments to write this, and after that, back to school and work.

It's been so many months since my last beatmap. I was actually reminded of the ones I have over in my beatmap cave because I received a notice by email that the links had expired... it led me to think that they weren't actually being downloaded. It's actually fine by me (although I still see the files are alive when accessing to the account... weird), but still, I need to keep those links alive so they're shared with other people, even if just one in a million want to download it.

Also, some days ago, I got online real quick to see whether I had a beatmap downloaded or not, and well, I must say, it was a pleasant surprise to see that people still remember me, and try to message me when they see me online. It makes me curious, what kind of impression do other people have of me now? They often say I've become some kind of legend. If I were to return to the community, would they still accept me? Now that I look at modern beatmaps, I disagree with them so much, I wonder if I even fit there anymore. I'm not sure that I want to come back and become a moderator again. Sure, I know that I'm capable of doing so but, I don't feel it's my place anymore. I am a creator... and although I also know my mapping style is widely different from what players are used to now, I don't care whether people disagree with me or not, I just want to map.

I have so many aspirations, and many related to osu!. I want to keep mapping, and have a ton of maps published for people to enjoy. I want to write a book about mapping, all the complex reasoning that goes behind creating such piece of art. I want to study mapping to its fullest and discover its potential. But all of this seems like a joke if I say I haven't written a word about it since so long ago; so am I doing anything to fulfill these goals? Of course, I have so many intentions to do so, but the truth is, yes, I haven't done a thing.
Well, it's not because I wanted that I had to get a job. It's not that I wanted to get delayed in my studies. But as any responsible man would do, I am facing it, and overcoming the obstacle... although well, regarding the job, while I'm not going to say it's something I'll have to keep doing for life, I'm not going to be able to separate myself from it for a long time. So it's difficult for me to focus on one thing sometimes. All of these experiences have led me to grow up so much, and I am thankful for it; although in any case, I am aware I am never going to stop learning. So it's a never ending cycle.

If I ever decided to progress on these goals, I am aware I can't just wait until the right moment arrives. I need to somehow fit it inside of my daily routine. That's the challenge. And unfortunately, I haven't been able to clear it. I have been focusing instead on my emotional and physical well-being (with therapy and exercise, respectively), my place for living, my studies, and meeting my financial goals for five years in the future. It's all a lot of work. I would love to say that I'm going to try harder now, but of course, we must all manage our expectations correctly: I'm probably going to keep doing the same for months to come, until I can get a more stable financial ground, until I am progressing fine with my studies, until I can get my own space and time and can lead a more independent lifestyle, which I don't feel I am having right now. Until I get my life in order, whenever that happens, or... if that even exists. But I will not ever forget of this challenge I have set to myself.

One thing is for sure though. I am never going to stop beatmapping, for as long as I live. Even if I haven't logged in in years, be sure that I am in progress of beatmapping some song. Whether I finish that map or not, I am constantly creating something. It's been something so deeply ingrained in my brain, I cannot stop imagining beatmaps when I listen to songs I like, and it's a great way to relieve stress sometimes. I just wouldn't like that everything I've created goes to waste; exactly why I publish my maps offline now. When the time comes, I'll publish another offline beatmap. And of course, my intentions for all the other things I want to do will still be there years to come.

Let's keep on living for now! I am sure many good things are coming in my future.