Well... yeah, I've decided that. I'm not going to enter the beatmapping contest this time, so, with that.... I effectively disappear completely from the community.
So yeah.... I thought long and hard about it. It wasn't an easy decision - ever since I started mapping I've been interested in entering every single time, because I love mapping. It's not like I'm tired of mapping (come on, that's never going to happen), or because I'm a bad loser... I still think I have a chance, besides that it's fun to see how I do compared to others, but... well, there's mainly two reasons:
- I've disliked the song selection lately. Mapping something takes me a while, so... why should I spend so much time mapping something that I may not like? Now that I realize, I have need doing it only for the social factor and I don't really enjoy the mapping, which is... pretty vital, you know. I enjoy my time much more finishing my offline maps, and I prefer doing that.
- I've disagreed with the judging in the past, so in the end I become more frustrated. I think it's because... the mapping community so far has grown more and more with their own standards and habits, while I've been working standalone in my own world, so we can't comprehend each other as much as we'd like to.
Even then, I'm not saying I think my map should have come as winner last time or anything; in fact, you know that feeling when you see one of your past works and you see ways to improve it, things you didn't see earlier? Yeah, that happens to me too. I can't say I've dominated mapping... not by far.
Even then, I recognize something: I can map stuff in a different way than everyone else. There's a really, really deep science on mapping, and even though I can't say I'm the master, I feel capable of studying and mastering it further. I would say I've progressed towards that goal. It's something really deep and complex, that I could achieve if I put hours of my time studying mapping.
I'm actually kind of enthusiastic about doing that - I'm going to end up doing it sooner or later. Perhaps that's what I intended to do in my "osu! Beatmap Design for Dummies" book, so... yeah, the idea's been floating around for some time now, just that it might not be for dummies anymore.
I need to free myself a little bit so I can take a look at this; until I can get myself a new computer, I'll focus on what's important in my life right now.