Sigh. I keep telling my friends (and people I know) that I feel like I'm not doing justice to my title as BAT in osu!. There are many people that want the position I currently have, and what am I doing with it? Not much, not as much as they currently do. Sure, I was pretty active back in the day, so... that's what got me promoted in the first place. I was longing for this position ever since I got into mapping: "Wouldn't it be cool to be one of those people who rank the maps? I wish I could be one", but seeing myself right now would ashame the previous me.
I have this thing of being grateful to many things, to the point of trying to 'repay' the favor people have done for me. For example, back when I was 11~12 I used to download lots of PSX ISOs and burn them. Tons of them. As the process seemed relatively easy, I tried reuploading those ISOs, creating more mirrors and such at SnesOrama. Well, you could say I did my part, although my post formatting and my grammar were quite horrible back then.
As osu! was the game I had a fantasy of playing waaay back when I played Ouendan and EBA ("damn, there aren't enough songs, I wish I could create my own, that would be totally rad"), osu! used to have my attention 24/7. I was practically obsessed with it. Mapping, playing and modding, that's all I did (I used to call myself a "mapping machine"), and the fact that I wasn't studying at the time made things worse. Being grateful to the wonderful community that have given me so many mods and maps, I tried to mod and do my part. It was since then that I slowly got more deeper and deeper inside the community, which I didn't realize until one day everyone highlighted me when I got online. I enjoyed those days, although I didn't really understand why people thought I was (or am) 'awesome'; I'm far more awesome than my previous me now!
osu!, even though being a game, has greatly helped me with many things like, among others, my understanding of music and my english skills. God, I don't want to look up my first posts. My family and friends consider being in osu! a waste, but I strongly disagree - I have enjoyed osu! these four years and I will still enjoy is as much as I can.
peppy is a man I deeply respect for, among other things, his knowledge of coding (which I've always wanted to master in some way) and for putting up with the community many times, still being the head of the project. I am deeply grateful to him for making this awesome game, but I sometimes feel like I've been nothing more than a burden. Checking with facts, I know this isn't the case, but well, when checking the facts I feel like I haven't contributed as much as I should. Both of the feelings really aren't right, and I wish I could fix them. I wish I could erase the moments off time when I bothered peppy for nothing back then.
Why am I not doing anything then? I've got too many things on my hands now (like side projects and school), and even then I use my free time in other things I feel like doing at the time, like watching shows or playing games; seeing how I'm not obsessed with osu! anymore, my motivation has been lacking. As much as I hate saying this, I don't like the idea of stressing myself with osu!, forcing myself to do stuff in there. That doesn't sound very healthy, and it'd probably feel horrible. I still have the plan of "mod at least one map per day", but I haven't been able to keep it for many days. I will keep trying though!
Thanks for reading, I guess.