Sunday, June 24, 2018

Mapping Career

Slowly and steadily, I seem to be orbiting more and more towards osu! once more - which is something I myself did not expect at all, since I thought I would never have time for it again. There's a reason all this may be happening.

In truth, all this change comes from the fact that there were recent changes in my life that may be aiding the cause - for example, just last month I fractured the little finger of my left hand, due to an accident with my motorized bicycle. That may sound like ouch, but hey, it was a really small fracture, and considering I had time off for 4 weeks, and the harm done was for the finger I use least on the hand I use least, well, I enjoyed the time I had off work (though admittedly, it still hinders you big time). By the third week, I was already in good shape. That may explain why you suddenly saw me uploading 4 or 5 maps all at once, but even yet, I don't consider that I took full advantage of the free time I had - most of my days were just eating shit and watching TV, spending time with my girlfriend doing nothing, or stuff like that. Still, a part of it was reserved for my artistic self, and not just speaking about beatmapping - I pondered long and hard about the work that I was doing.

Additional to this, as hard as it is to admit, at least during this semester, I won't be able to enter school, due to lack of money - and a ton of shit has happened as well, lots of things that I haven't written here. In February, as I wrote earlier it was part of my plans, my girlfriend and I finally moved together - and I'm proud to say that, since it has been difficult but we have managed to achieve it.

I have also changed jobs, so I no longer work for Netflix, but rather now for Atos - all based due to necessity, since on Netflix the overnight shift was closed, and eventually the English Chat campaign as well. I was transferred to the Spanish Chat campaign however, I didn't want to lose bilingual practice, they didn't pay previous bonuses I had, my schedule was really obstructive (causing me to stop going to school mid semester), and overall it wasn't as cool. Here on Atos, I am back to working overnight which isn't something I really like but, I can earn more. And since I took a loan back in February, so me and my girlfriend could accommodate in our new place (plus also, the opportunity to travel together with her family appeared, and I used the loan for that as well), that's what has now caused me to be submerged in debt. What? I'm not complaining - specially if at least for this semester, I can indulge in my passion, beatmapping. It's not like I'm off school forever, after all.

Now, onto what really matters - where am I going in my mapping career?

Well, it's no secret that during all this time, osu! hasn't left my mind at all; although I may be doing other things, that'll always remain a part of my life. However, I am rather speaking for the game itself - not the community. Not that I have something against it, I think it's an awesome community built around a very awesome game mechanic- but, on second thought, I may have something against them.

So far, during all these six years, what I've been doing is mostly on my own - mapping for myself and my own delight. Mapping songs I like for myself and myself only. During this time, interestingly enough - at a certain point, I was worried I would get stuck or be on a standstill, wondering if I couldn't improve without external input. But the truth is, I think I have also improved working on my own, and my beatmapping has become more mature than what it was back in 2013. Of course, while I know there are still plenty of things that I may be able to improve with external input - reason l say this is because, now that I had the chance to practice and focus myself solely on the beatmap design, without any sort of connotation or compromise as to what other people might think of it, I can see now what's really important when creating a map. Previously, I always thought it was fun for sometimes to disregard spacing entirely, if the song called for it - but looking back at it, I don't think I always made the right call. Now I lean more towards having reasonable spacing if the song doesn't call for it (perhaps it's my own perception of songs what has changed, but I think that is a topic for another day).

The reason I have always pushed to upload them, even if it was off the grid, was because I believed that I was doing something different than the rest, and it's worthy of showing off. This idea slightly faded away, but has still remained with me - that's because as of recently, I really had no idea if maps were still looking the same as they did back in 2013. I was a little bit hopeful that the community had taken consciousness and had evolved mapping even more so in the right direction.

But things are still the same. In fact, things may have gotten worse. Ranked beatmaps all still look the same for the most part (anime backgrounds everywhere, what), and they now blend in each one another even more so, while what I always look for is something different.

Now, I know it's not a good thing to generalize - in fact, I don't think I can do that this time, since by looking at a single map or just a few maps, I can't determine if all maps are the same. There are just a few factors I can base myself in, for example, the general perception of the community towards these maps, which is still generally favorable, but it doesn't give me a full picture of the beatmapping scene as a whole. Besides that, I know there are people who get what I'm saying - there are people who do understand more about what beatmapping is about, can recognize the maps that stand out from the rest, and most importantly, is beatmapping differently than the rest. That's what I am interested in - different views and perceptions in beatmapping.

So what's this "I'm thinking of pushing my maps for ranking again" thing? All I really wish for, I can say is just a little bit of exposure. I admit it, and I can say it's something we all yearn for at some point - and the reason I thought about this was, I can't get my word out or try to influence others by staying "off the grid". At first, I was okay with just a few people understanding what I was doing, but now l want more people seeing what beatmapping is about. After all, if I think I have something cool, I'll only want to share it with other people right?

Even though I wished to have exposure, it was still a bit far off for me to think about returning back to the community - since I just still wouldn't have the same time availability as before, as well as that, there were more so many changes to the mapping/modding scene that I felt catching up would be a chore or too time consuming.

That's when l found pishifat's videos.

These videos are partially what I once thought myself could do - analyzing carefully the aspects of beatmapping in an insightful, visual way allowing everyone to understand them easily. While of course, that feeling of "I could've been him" feeling may be there, honestly, he has done such an amazing job, and he has such a good voice for the job he's doing, I think he was really the one most fit to cover this task - in his place I would've just done a poor attempt of a video, I think, even if the idea was the same. He also explains so much of the mapping scene, the community, modding, as well as the general changes in osu! that just by watching the videos I feel I've already caught up on everything I needed. His videos are so engrossing that although I only wanted to watch a few at first, I have now watched most of them without even noticing (they really don't feel like 10 minute bits!) - and suffice to say, on a few things we share the same perspective or values on mapping, yet at the same time, on over things they're different but equally interesting viewpoints. Thanks to him, I can see the values or concepts clearly within a modern map, which would have been hard for me to see on my own. There are still differences in our mapping values, which I still think is worth exploring - so there is still a purpose in doing everything I do.

One thing I didn't like back then, with the whole beatmapping scene, is that it slowly started to become all about hard maps and how a map can farm you points. From what I can see, nowadays it is still the same, it's just that instead of score, now it's pp - so another reason I originally distanced myself from rankings was this, that people were mostly looking for maps in this fashion, rather than taking a look at them for their design or even the song, which also makes people focus too much on other things. But now I'm thinking, from that to having no people playing the maps at all, it's worth a shot right?

Right now, this is all happening and I'm still not decided fully on where all this is going - mostly for the time consuming factor and the commitment it takes. But what I'm thinking is that, if I really want to make an impact, then I definitely need to get my name known from within the community, and not as an outsider. I'm also thinking as well in regards with my position in modding, and am pondering possible ways in which I could contribute, while them still not being regular mods.

I have lots more things I could keep writing about but, I'm thinking that's enough for today.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Regarding my music sharing goals, I've done some progress

Hello there, I am back with another update, this time I want to focus on something particular I've managed to do.

Just between you and me - I've learned something pretty cool within the last few weeks, which is about connecting remotely to another computer over the web, sure enough, it's basic stuff for plenty of people but I had no knowledge at all about this, let alone think it was possible to do while working. But I can now manage to do it during my shift, of course, all in a hush hush way. :) But taking advantage of this, I've started to work once more on creating what will be the sequel to Music Hood - this time all worked out in a different way.

Click here to visit Music Hood T-Plus!

Why the T-Plus, you may ask? I've also learned how to create torrents, it's quite simple - and based now on how I need to keep the computer on for remote access, might as well take advantage of that and create torrents for a few titles I wish are spread further, right now I haven't uploaded many but this is also part of my plan to keep things going. Now with torrents as well, and the additional wordpress redirect, it'll be harder to take down the blog. It'll also be harder to get traffic, but that is OK! I no longer want to get lots of traffic so long as everything remains intact.

Of course, right now I'm just getting warmed up - however, the good thing is that, I have polished the previous scripts that I used to start everything fresh the right way! It did take me some time but I also want to believe Mediafire will be more reliable in keeping the downloads steady (plus also work as webseeds in the future).

Albums uploaded daily! Keep coming back ;)

Monday, September 18, 2017

Life just keeps happening

Heya, I'm still alive. As usual it's not like I ever touch this thing right here - or anything that's online, for that matter. My mind's been rambling about stuff for a little bit of time now and I thought it was a good opportunity to give you, whoever's reading, an opportunity to see where my life's standing right now.

It's always frustrating - and it truly is - to see how everything else takes up place in my life. Though it sometimes feels as if everything keeps happening to me and I'm not in control, I have recently realised that I am, or at least I can choose to be. And it's hard for me to enforce it, I only think based on my personality - but it's what I need to do in order to achieve what's important for me in my life.

What do I mean by this? It's about what I've written before, about my dream of writing a book about beatmapping. It's my calling. So in other words - do you know how frustrating it is to have found what you're passionate about, but time simply does not allow you to indulge on it? Or work towards that goal in your life you've always wanted?

I know what you're going to say - that I have the time, I just simply don't put it to good use. Or I don't organize myself well enough to put the plan up and running. Truly so, I may spend the time more wisely on my goals rather than writing this piece of junk. But frankly, I've been over that a million times, and really, this may not be the indicated time. It is true that I have so many other goals in my life, which some can wait and others do not - but regardless, it's still painful, to have found what you were brought to do into this world, though having to wait to do it.

Still, changes keep occurring. And sometimes, without me realizing it. I find that now I am more distant than ever from my friends - which is a necessity, if I should consider so, all based on this ridiculous plan to keep my priorities straight and do everything. Though really so, one thing that I often think about is the fact that it's frustrating to me as well how everyone else is only focused on spending and consuming. But is it because I would like to be in their place, or is it because of something else? I know in the end that it's all up to them, and I won't be changing their ways of living since it doesn't concern me - still, sometimes I can't help but think, if I had the same opportunities.

You may say that I do - and I don't deny it. I am in a good place right now and I've had lots of things I've been able to enjoy without me realizing it, I realize this could be a lot worse too. I am not stuck in a dead end, which is the last thing I want - or get stuck in a routine where I give up every chance to better myself or work towards my goals. Though as it all started - it really was just based on necessity. I decided to take the opportunity to get out of my parents home, which I will never regret, but of course, it would've been much better if it hadn't been necessary in the first place. One really couldn't keep on living on that place, as there was something that really drove me out.

I know that in the end they're just obstacles and life's all about the struggle - I won't try to make myself the victim. I won't be demanding help just because of this reason - I know that in my family I still have plenty of people who support me, which I will always be thankful for, and shit happens and I have to deal with it. I guess my only struggle right now is waiting.

The changes are all still there. When I started my career, I was a failure in my love life - though at some point, not long ago, I was lucky enough to meet the person which I am destined to care for. The love of my life - which I've known for quite some time now. Of course, this also comes with a change of priorities and more things to do - but things I will always want to do and things I've decided to do, to meet another one of my goals in life. We're planning to move in to our own place soon, when time and budget allows.

And truly so, gradually I've been shrinking down the amount of classes that I take each semester at school - I know I would say that's because of time, but I know it ain't so. All this time I've been working, at something I have grown to hate and despise - but still need to do in order to meet every need I have. I started working on the morning shift but now I'm working overnight, which does take a high toll on my energy overall. So even though my life's remained the same, in a cycle of work, sometimes school, and general chores - it feels dreadful. It feels like I want to do something else. Even if I think about what I'll work in once I'm finished studying, engineering is not something I'm passionate about - though I'm far in too deep to quit now (besides that I've taken a liking to it, so it's not an entirely lost cause). But I know in the end writing and selling a book like the one I want to do won't solve my problems, if I decided to quit everything now.

I hope you see what I mean. Though also, these are all still my decisions - and all are important to meet every goal I have. I'm sure and I realize that this is all a process - which I've had to go through to get to this kind of conclusion, and same as there's been these changes, stuff will keep happening as well. Some things for better, some things for worse. But do note, that the idea that I have will not fade away in the upcoming years.

I guess the bottom line is, life just keeps happening.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Procrastination at its finest

I shouldn't really be doing this right now, I have an exam tomorrow. But I just got distracted for a bit and started reading my old posts; hence the title. But I feel it's a good time to post an update.

Living on my own has fit me so well. Of course, there's still issues to iron out, but the place that I'm working at now (I started working the midnight shift around May, of course only for the $$$ extra) now allows me to, instead of just covering debts, make room for the improvements to my place or myself that I've always looked forward to - one of these, for example is, believe it or not, dental work. They've been yucky all my life, that is something that I had overlooked so far! But it's now on the way, probably getting braces by the end of the year. Yes, I'll get braces being 21, better late than never, right? It's really not late at all, the challenge will just be covering all the costs myself (and it can be quite expensive).

My old posts, it's funny - you can tell the way they're written is vastly different from the way I type now. I've never considered myself a grammar master, but still, there's just something that tells you how I've been growing up. But all of these ideas, they're still with me - perhaps I would phrase or put them in a different way, but the essence is there and it's still something I share with my old self.

That tattoo that I had mentioned that I was going to get? I did. It's in my right arm, a small osu! hitcircle right below my wrist and that's it. It's fun, people often theorize what it's about and ask me why I decided to tattoo it. They often think it's a kind of marble, pool ball or because I'm #1 (ha, although I did get to be the #1 in Mexico around 2008, a long time ago now). I also think it might be a bit ironic how osu! means so much to me, but I'm not active in the community and barely map anymore. Don't get me wrong, it still means a lot and I still have that wish to map as many songs as I possibly can (I did start a new WiP the other day, although that shouldn't be surprising news) - it's just that, time, time, time. But osu! still is and will always be one of the most important things for me.

I am too lazy to post a photo of it, but if you like you can look me up on as sharing my real identity online isn't weird for me at all now. Although... there's a chance I haven't posted it there either, or perhaps the restrictions wouldn't allow you to browse my old-ass and embarrassing photos. I'm not sure! I barely use it, don't be offended if you add me as a friend but aren't able to recognize you, or take a bazillion years to add you back, but you can send me a message at any time.

So I'll still be kicking around. Maybe I'll get to post something more elaborate later on, on my Beatmap Design blog? Man, the last post was on 2014, two years ago now.
Something that I did realize these days is that perhaps my passion for beatmapping had gone out of sight, but that's not the plan in any way - I'm trying to get back on track. The challenge is still incorporating my hobby within my free time, I think mostly having the discipline needed to achieve these goals, but in no way it has become impossible - if anything, it just becomes more achievable as time passes. Or at least, I like to believe that. This realization has come along with many other things as well, for example other aspirations in life, it just confirms that you never stop learning. And maybe I'll also share my other aspirations in life in another post.

Oh, and small mention to Music Hood's death and sacrifice for all of us. RIP in peace. :( The Facebook page has also been taken down because everyone hates me. But you can still find the archive of the remnants here.
If you didn't know what that was, it was just a blog that I had where I shared download links for music albums. The main purpose, though, was just to have a backup of the rare album finds I've been able to get on the internet. It is now also in the back of my mind to somehow revive it and keep sharing music, but that's definitely going to take a couple of months or maybe even years.

Anyhow. Let's keep giving our best all of us!

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


Suffice it to say that it has been way too much time since my last post. As always - you know how it goes. It has recently been my birthday and I just started spring break, so I have two full weeks to relax and do whatever I want, relatively.

Although I have become much more keen about the personal life details I reveal about myself, there is something I would like to share. Starting this year, I have finally managed to get my own space and will start living a completely independent lifestyle starting April - well, I have been living away from my parents for one year now but now I won't owe anything to anyone, as I will be paying the whole thing myself, and time will be completely mine. Joy! That is one of the many aspirations that I wanted to achieve so it's something I can check off that list now. Still many other things to work on.

Time has gone by real fast and it's hard to keep up at times - more so when you're just halfway through your engineering studies I'd say, although I'm only carrying a small amount of subjects and material that I should by semester (just about half, actually), so it's nowhere near as heavy as it should be. I still go crazy at times, more so thinking that I haven't even touched osu! at all - sometimes I arrive home and I'm so tired that I just drop on the bed and fall asleep. Still, I don't regret anything.

Even then, lately I feel like I haven't taken full advantage of my time, as I still doze off and distract myself with other things - you know, I'm not a robot, so no guilt. What I've been doing most lately is listen to music - I mean sure, it's always been something I loved, but lately it's been like I suspend my activities entirely and just listen. I've been paying so much attention to it... and I enjoy so much all the song variety I can listen to and enjoy, I often just skip from song to song and keep doing that for hours. Honestly, I can't think of how a regular day at work would be if I didn't have my earphones with me - and even then I only find myself I circle around the same songs, most regularly. Doesn't mean that I don't expand my tastes, perhaps maybe not as much as other people do - used to think that having 800 songs on the cellphone was plenty couple years back, now I can't get enough by having 1743 and counting.

osu! has always been on the back of my mind, but lately I feel like I've lost touch. It doesn't mean that I actually have, I'm sure it's just a matter of polishing up my technique and getting my hands dirty again - as I keep listening to many more different songs I just keep imagining how the beatmaps would turn out, so I repeat, that will ALWAYS be there, no doubt. In fact, I'm planning to get myself a small, simple osu! tattoo, just to show how it has marked my life forever and will always be a part of me.

As for the other things such as TV shows, lately I've found that I can't stand sitting still for hours watching something - I don't mean to discredit visual arts and cinema, there is of course amazing material out there, and I've found it's just me - but there are so many other productive things I could do with that time. Perhaps it's the way my brain is shaping up after being used to focus on other things all the time - the only activity like that I allow to myself is listening to music, which I've already described above. For all other things like watching movies I just prefer to work on my blog, study, exercise, meditate, clean up or whatever other activity you can think of. It's interesting, as I had never thought that it'd turn out like this, but I hope it stays this way. Perhaps I'll write a post about my perspective on this in the future.

Anyway, time to doze off again and focus on other things. May this spring break be full of productive activities!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Life aspirations, and report of how everything is coming along

It's even a wonder that I remember I have this blog. It's been almost a year since my last post. Sometimes I wonder about the kind of things I used to publish before, whether I'd read them with the same view or not. Well, in any case, I should try to not repeat the same things I always say.

Still on hiatus from whatever I used to do on the internet. Lots of life details that I'm not sure of revealing here on the web, as always. I can only take a few moments to write this, and after that, back to school and work.

It's been so many months since my last beatmap. I was actually reminded of the ones I have over in my beatmap cave because I received a notice by email that the links had expired... it led me to think that they weren't actually being downloaded. It's actually fine by me (although I still see the files are alive when accessing to the account... weird), but still, I need to keep those links alive so they're shared with other people, even if just one in a million want to download it.

Also, some days ago, I got online real quick to see whether I had a beatmap downloaded or not, and well, I must say, it was a pleasant surprise to see that people still remember me, and try to message me when they see me online. It makes me curious, what kind of impression do other people have of me now? They often say I've become some kind of legend. If I were to return to the community, would they still accept me? Now that I look at modern beatmaps, I disagree with them so much, I wonder if I even fit there anymore. I'm not sure that I want to come back and become a moderator again. Sure, I know that I'm capable of doing so but, I don't feel it's my place anymore. I am a creator... and although I also know my mapping style is widely different from what players are used to now, I don't care whether people disagree with me or not, I just want to map.

I have so many aspirations, and many related to osu!. I want to keep mapping, and have a ton of maps published for people to enjoy. I want to write a book about mapping, all the complex reasoning that goes behind creating such piece of art. I want to study mapping to its fullest and discover its potential. But all of this seems like a joke if I say I haven't written a word about it since so long ago; so am I doing anything to fulfill these goals? Of course, I have so many intentions to do so, but the truth is, yes, I haven't done a thing.
Well, it's not because I wanted that I had to get a job. It's not that I wanted to get delayed in my studies. But as any responsible man would do, I am facing it, and overcoming the obstacle... although well, regarding the job, while I'm not going to say it's something I'll have to keep doing for life, I'm not going to be able to separate myself from it for a long time. So it's difficult for me to focus on one thing sometimes. All of these experiences have led me to grow up so much, and I am thankful for it; although in any case, I am aware I am never going to stop learning. So it's a never ending cycle.

If I ever decided to progress on these goals, I am aware I can't just wait until the right moment arrives. I need to somehow fit it inside of my daily routine. That's the challenge. And unfortunately, I haven't been able to clear it. I have been focusing instead on my emotional and physical well-being (with therapy and exercise, respectively), my place for living, my studies, and meeting my financial goals for five years in the future. It's all a lot of work. I would love to say that I'm going to try harder now, but of course, we must all manage our expectations correctly: I'm probably going to keep doing the same for months to come, until I can get a more stable financial ground, until I am progressing fine with my studies, until I can get my own space and time and can lead a more independent lifestyle, which I don't feel I am having right now. Until I get my life in order, whenever that happens, or... if that even exists. But I will not ever forget of this challenge I have set to myself.

One thing is for sure though. I am never going to stop beatmapping, for as long as I live. Even if I haven't logged in in years, be sure that I am in progress of beatmapping some song. Whether I finish that map or not, I am constantly creating something. It's been something so deeply ingrained in my brain, I cannot stop imagining beatmaps when I listen to songs I like, and it's a great way to relieve stress sometimes. I just wouldn't like that everything I've created goes to waste; exactly why I publish my maps offline now. When the time comes, I'll publish another offline beatmap. And of course, my intentions for all the other things I want to do will still be there years to come.

Let's keep on living for now! I am sure many good things are coming in my future.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Life update? Does that even exist anymore?

So it's been some time. Yes, I know, that's what I always say. But well... there's been so much going on., it's becoming a cliché, isn't it. That's what I've been saying for the last two years. This is just another of those moments where I stop for a second to write something.

Oh brother, it's been chaos. I just came home from answering a difficult exam from a difficult subject... talking about school, obviously. My life's been consumed by school and work issues.

Yeah, that's right, work issues. This semester I applied for a job and I was hired. But then they fired me, like two weeks ago, and I haven't applied for another job since then. Long story short, they canceled the divison or 'campaign' I was working for, so everyone was suddenly unemployed, including me of course.
Well... I still need to get a job. I plan on doing that, earning money and start living by myself; if possible, move out before this year ends. It's not easy, I know, but the way I look at things, that's something I must do, because of many life situations I'm living right now. It might be a bit too ambitious but I know I can do it.

So... yes, I know. It's going to be a disaster, a massacre, and hell, all at the same time (although that might be exaggerating a little...), so no time for games. Besides everything else, various friends have also kept me away from my computer because they have social reunions and whatnot. It's not like they're forcing me, I like to hang around with them; after all, it's a nice way to enjoy my free time, but... yeah.

I miss mapping so much.

Lately, I haven't had much time to spend in osu!, although I have logged in a few times to play a bit of mania. Nothing competitive though, just to relax a little. So I haven't mapped a single thing since... several months. Then yet, even though there are infinite songs I could map, lately I've been feeling like... all the other songs are just average. Not Vietnam, not Rap God, no 808 Track (which are my most recent favorite maps by me), everything else is average, and I'm not going to surpass them. But I do have some pieces I've been working on and would like to release. I guess it's normal to feel like you want to keep improving more and more, but I know every map and song are unique in their own way, so I'll keep working on them... whenever I have time.
It's not like I've forgotten how to map, or lost the inspiration; we all know that's never going to happen. But you see, working while studying engineering is heavy enough; add to that several social activities plus many life issues, and you have what I've been doing for the last three months. Yay.

It's not like I'm complaining. Sure, it's heavy to carry along all those things, so I can't consider any online presence right now, but everything I'm doing is to build something better in the future. And living alone is going to be so awesome. Not easy, but awesome. ('Alone' is a relative term; I'm probably going to share with someone else).

Man, I hadn't realized I missed writing here so much. These minutes were worth my time. I'm not exactly sure of what I just wrote, but let's just publish it like this and roll along.

Sunday, July 6, 2014


Religion. One of the topics most people clash in. Always up to debate and discrimination. One of the topics where there's no right or wrong, it's completely up to what you believe; everyone will say what they believe is correct, so by definition no one is correct. One of the topics people sometimes don't like to talk about because of all the different ideas that might arise.
Well, my intention is not to flame or rant (unlike my other posts), I just want to mention the position I stand in. I will always respect all different ideas and opinions other people hold, religion included.

I live with a religious christian mother. Because of that, the topic has been of importance to me, my entire life... but I didn't turn out as religious as her.
When I was a kid, my mom, of course, took me to church regularly. At first, when I was around 5, I was completely fine with it, like... I understood what it meant to be a church-goer, good kid everyone will compliment. But when I discovered videogames (or well, when I really focused on more things), at around age 9, I started to dislike going to church, because I considered it a waste of time. What that means... even though I had gone so many times to church, nothing really got into me. I wasn't a christian at heart, so it was very easy to discard that activity. Yet, my mother never really respected my opinion, and kept forcing me to attend biblical summer school and things like that. Up to today, my mom still mentions to me every day that I need to attend church regularly. I understand she only wants the best for me, but she shouldn't push so much for something that every person has the right to choose. I haven't attended church since a long time, and that, today, sits completely fine with me.

So what does that make me? What do I truly believe in? Well, it's not like I hate religion. Christianity, in particular, has been the one religion I've found to have most sense of all, and the one I'd definitely get in if I ever wanted to. But if I had to mention my religion, I guess it'd be most appropriate to say I'm an agnostic atheist, or something along those lines. I believe in God, but don't wish to follow any kind of religion or church.

I do believe in God. It just makes sense, doesn't it? How everything, from the beginning of earth until each one of our lives, has turned out... it's far too perfect to have been a coincidence. Perhaps it's the church I don't believe in... because I often feel like each church has its own rules and customs, and teaches what it wants to teach, not what the religion really is about. It's just a weird sensation I have, just a gut feeling; I don't really have any evidence to support my claims, but I feel somewhat uncomfortable every time I attend church now. Considering and comparing what each different church has to offer, feels to me like a very complex and time-consuming task, that shouldn't even be there.

Among the other reasons I have for not going to church, what I want to be the least is a poser. I don't want to be a hypocrite, in any situation, ever. I want to be myself, and I want people to meet me for what I am. That's the main reason I don't attend to church - I don't think I can call myself a "christian", with my low level of compromise with the church.
Besides, I like to have an open mind. Religion will, by definition, limit itself to its own beliefs, which of course clash with others. I don't like that; I want to listen and consider every possibility before I conclude something, every time open to new ideas. For example, let's say someone discovers that Adam and Eve were actually chimpanzees; that's a crazy new idea that explains the beginning of times, both for christians and scientists, yet I'm sure christianity would reject the idea right away. I'm not saying I'll believe without thinking twice that it was really that way, but I want to at least consider the proposition before I reject it.

The way I see it, I feel like God has given everyone proper judgement to do as they see fit. It's up to each and every one of us to follow what we have to follow, do what we want to do, feel what we want to feel. Regardless if it's right or wrong - you choose how you want to live your life. I will do my part, and give you all the respect you deserve. For now, I haven't felt a strong urge to become a follower of christianity, so it's my decision to stay this way, which should be okay for everyone.

In any case, I don't need to feel afraid of going to hell to make good deeds, or to be a good person. I think if you have "going to heaven" as a reason of going to church every week, it's a selfish reason. You need to really get into it, believe in what God tells you and obey every single thing he tells you, not just do it to save your own ass when you die.
I don't need to consider stuff like drugs, violence, or porn as a sin to avoid doing them; I just need to know the adverse effects each one of these things have. It's not that I'm afraid of committing a sin by doing drugs, it's just that I don't want my brain to deteriorate. And, in the same manner, I don't need to consider that doing good things is going to let me in heaven, I just need to really care about what's happening in the moment right then and there. I'm not being generous so God considers me a good person, I'm doing it because I really care about people. If I give someone food, it's not because I want to be called a christian, it's because I care that he's hungry and don't want him to be. These reasons are good enough for me.

Living by your own terms is the best gift God's given to us. I feel very grateful!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

My debt to society

It's curious. I've noticed something particular within my personality when it comes to life goals. A tendency that's been there since I was a little kid, and something that's without a doubt defined the path I chose at many points in my life. The sensation, the feeling of debt has always been present for me. Not debt like... I'm stingy with money, or like, I feel everyone owes me something, but rather the opposite. I have always felt indebted to society, even when I was a little kid.

Just to say examples, when I was in primary school... around 3rd grade I think, I had always thought having all those books to read and learn things from them was so nice. I felt grateful, and wished to repay it in some way, so at one point I thought of a way of making a small contribution: that is, underlining every grammar mistake I found, and then communicating those in some way to the manufacturer so they could fix it. Of course, I was just a small kid, and even though I had lots of words underlined, that never really went anywhere.

Later on, when I found out about Lunar Magic and Super Mario World hacks, I was very impressed. I thought it was amazing, how easily you can modify the game using the tools provided. I tried to create several hacks... of course, you tell me if a kid in junior high will be able to design levels correctly. I had so much fun doing it, it kept me busy for way too many hours, I eventually developed the same sensation of debt towards the whole community; what I wanted to do then was not create hacks, but help other people. For a short time I started to post on forums and tried to really get in the community... but well, I didn't get far until my motivation wore out. I wanted to do so many things, I even tried to learn assembly, so I could develop patches for other people to use, but of course, not everyone can do that.

You see what I mean? This kind of thing just kept happening over and over, though each time it didn't get very far. Back when I had a Playstation and had to burn CDs, I downloaded all ISOs from SnesORama, and since all of them were user-contributed, I wanted to do my part and add mirrors. For some time I wanted to enter the GDAMania community and help people create DTX files. For some other time, I found out about TV show and anime sites where you can stream episodes for free, and I wanted to help by uploading extra mirrors where needed.

It then happened yet again with osu!. I started mapping because I loved all the Ouendan games, and I thought having the capability to do your favorite songs in osu! style was the most amazing thing ever. As I started to understand what ranking involved, I realized it wasn't easy; it involves a lot of checking, from many different modders, and many different BATs. In other words, a lot of people had to help me, and when I finally got my first map ranked and started mapping more things, I started to mod beatmaps by my own will. I wanted to do the same thing other people had done with me, I wanted to help and repay my debt. And this time I really did get far, so much I managed to reach BAT status. Unfortunately, as I couldn't keep up with the community (mainly due to time constraints and lack of motivation), I decided to graduate and become alumni.

You can see there is an obvious tendency going on here. As this is something that's been there since I was little, it's not something that I meditated on and chose to do as the wisest thing to do. It's just something I did without thinking, because I wanted to do. Not because I felt guilty or felt remorse; just because I wanted to. You can say, then, that the same feeling is still present in me today, but of course, the scope is not the same.

Now that I can think as an adult, I often think of the objectives in my life, and things like that; you know, deeper and more important things. Yet the purpose of life for me goes back to those instinctive feelings: helping the community and repaying back everything society's given to me. What I want to do in my life, is contribute to society something unique only I can create. Enjoying life is my goal, contribute to society is my purpose.

I think of what everything will be like in the future, and what I wish to do then. Since I've always enjoyed electronics, and find so impressive the way they work, one of my dreams is to create my very own invention, something that will give step to greater and better things in the future. I'm a student of engineering, so I'm giving my all to understand every little subject that can be of use to me for this.
That kind of dream has been in my mind since I was little, but it's still going strong. Perhaps, to not be so naïve, even if it's just the smallest contribution to some project in some team, I want to be part of the difference. I don't want to blow my whole life working in sales, forgetting about everything I learned about in college; I want to be something more.

In truth, I speak about electronics and inventions, but anything I enjoy and I can contribute to would be excellent, too. For example, I don't think working for education, whether that's in book manufacturing or teaching, is a bad idea, because I appreciate knowledge so much, and would like to help other people on their studies, too. I enjoy videogames; if one day I helped develop a new console, or even design a single game, I'd be happy, because I want other people to keep enjoying games.

Of course though... not absolutely everything I can work as I'd enjoy. I'm about to get a job as telemarketer, client service for AT&T, and since I barely use the phone for personal things, I don't feel like I'm paying my debt to anyone. But I need the money. Yet, I feel the lack of this feeling of debt is going to have great impact in my productivity.
For example, working as a bus driver wouldn't be enjoyable either, because the buses in this town are pretty ugly, and drivers often are jerks. Sure, I want as much as anyone for them to be pretty and work correctly, that's why I do my best to not throw garbage and keep things clean, but as the buses have sometimes left me unsatisfied, it's not something I feel like I need to repay.

Is it weird that I just spent that amount of time writing this? Well, what's done is done.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Beatmap Design: such a huge thing to keep on going

Hello again, after like three months! I'm sorry for not posting these past days. As usual, my life's been keeping me busy. Well, instead of making this post another apology like the rest, let me just write something that's been on my mind lately.

Very few people know about my other blog, Beatmap Design; and many people know I like mapping. Beatmapping is my passion, and I've been working more than usual to bring new maps to my... other blog, where I host my beatmaps offline. So as you can guess, I really, really like mapping. I've written several posts about theories and... stuff, about how awesome beatmapping is. It makes me look crazy, but I do, and I always will.

So, the idea of writing a book about beatmapping analysis and theories has been around since last year. Sometimes I get motivated to do it, sometimes I feel it's too much, and sometimes I forget about it. It's still standing, really - I haven't given up. But perhaps this is not the most adequate time yet. Even though I have experience beatmapping, I have yet to analyze many more aspects of it before I can make some kind of "scientific report" all about it; besides the fact that I barely reserve any time to write for it. So, for now I decided to just write stuff about it in my blog, until I recollect enough information and build myself up. It's all good and well, except it's exactly the same problem: I barely reserve any time to write for it.

Inspiration comes and goes - you know the deal. It's the same for beatmapping, writing, composing, drawing, etc. Random bits of inspiration may come up to me randomly during the day. Joining together all these bits of inspiration, is how I pictured I could write several posts about beatmapping. And I have written some of them down - I have several drafts in my blog. But what should be the way I go with this thing? Should it be like elaborate, well-explained tutorials... or like a normal blog?

It's always been a problem... and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon. I barely reserve time for that. So the second option is starting to look more attractive... think about it. If I just wrote and published these random bits of inspiration... say, once a week, perhaps I'd get something published, which, the way this situation is now, is the most important thing. I wouldn't come up with screenshots, gifs or audio recordings, even though I would like to... but that would allow me to get this stuff out of me, and people would be able to know about it. It's what matters most to me - that people listen. Right now, I feel like I'm the only one in the world that can come up with stuff like this, and I certainly wouldn't like to let it die and vanish into oblivion.

The other thing is... being all independent from the osu! community, acting as a lone wolf on this whole thing. Is that really the right way? I mean, this whole outside-the-box perspective I've been able to build certainly has been very useful to my beatmapping style, but... well, I can't lie, I miss my osu! buddies. At first, I didn't get online much because I found out that chatting online distracted me from actually doing anything in osu!, and I wouldn't end up doing anything in the end, but then... it became kinda like... to avoid any compromise, avoiding questions such as "will you get online more often?" or "will you be able to get your maps ranked?". I, without a doubt, would like to do it, but the thing is that I say yes then I end up disappointing... reminiscent of my BAT days. And I don't like to do that. So I just open osu! as Guest whenever I get the chance, which is pretty randomly.

Hmmm... I really need to get it together. Being productive and such: I need to learn how to do that.