Heya, I'm still alive. As usual it's not like I ever touch this thing right here - or anything that's online, for that matter. My mind's been rambling about stuff for a little bit of time now and I thought it was a good opportunity to give you, whoever's reading, an opportunity to see where my life's standing right now.
It's always frustrating - and it truly is - to see how everything else takes up place in my life. Though it sometimes feels as if everything keeps happening to me and I'm not in control, I have recently realised that I am, or at least I can choose to be. And it's hard for me to enforce it, I only think based on my personality - but it's what I need to do in order to achieve what's important for me in my life.
What do I mean by this? It's about what I've written before, about my dream of writing a book about beatmapping. It's my calling. So in other words - do you know how frustrating it is to have found what you're passionate about, but time simply does not allow you to indulge on it? Or work towards that goal in your life you've always wanted?
I know what you're going to say - that I have the time, I just simply don't put it to good use. Or I don't organize myself well enough to put the plan up and running. Truly so, I may spend the time more wisely on my goals rather than writing this piece of junk. But frankly, I've been over that a million times, and really, this may not be the indicated time. It is true that I have so many other goals in my life, which some can wait and others do not - but regardless, it's still painful, to have found what you were brought to do into this world, though having to wait to do it.
Still, changes keep occurring. And sometimes, without me realizing it. I find that now I am more distant than ever from my friends - which is a necessity, if I should consider so, all based on this ridiculous plan to keep my priorities straight and do everything. Though really so, one thing that I often think about is the fact that it's frustrating to me as well how everyone else is only focused on spending and consuming. But is it because I would like to be in their place, or is it because of something else? I know in the end that it's all up to them, and I won't be changing their ways of living since it doesn't concern me - still, sometimes I can't help but think, if I had the same opportunities.
You may say that I do - and I don't deny it. I am in a good place right now and I've had lots of things I've been able to enjoy without me realizing it, I realize this could be a lot worse too. I am not stuck in a dead end, which is the last thing I want - or get stuck in a routine where I give up every chance to better myself or work towards my goals. Though as it all started - it really was just based on necessity. I decided to take the opportunity to get out of my parents home, which I will never regret, but of course, it would've been much better if it hadn't been necessary in the first place. One really couldn't keep on living on that place, as there was something that really drove me out.
I know that in the end they're just obstacles and life's all about the struggle - I won't try to make myself the victim. I won't be demanding help just because of this reason - I know that in my family I still have plenty of people who support me, which I will always be thankful for, and shit happens and I have to deal with it. I guess my only struggle right now is waiting.
The changes are all still there. When I started my career, I was a failure in my love life - though at some point, not long ago, I was lucky enough to meet the person which I am destined to care for. The love of my life - which I've known for quite some time now. Of course, this also comes with a change of priorities and more things to do - but things I will always want to do and things I've decided to do, to meet another one of my goals in life. We're planning to move in to our own place soon, when time and budget allows.
And truly so, gradually I've been shrinking down the amount of classes that I take each semester at school - I know I would say that's because of time, but I know it ain't so. All this time I've been working, at something I have grown to hate and despise - but still need to do in order to meet every need I have. I started working on the morning shift but now I'm working overnight, which does take a high toll on my energy overall. So even though my life's remained the same, in a cycle of work, sometimes school, and general chores - it feels dreadful. It feels like I want to do something else. Even if I think about what I'll work in once I'm finished studying, engineering is not something I'm passionate about - though I'm far in too deep to quit now (besides that I've taken a liking to it, so it's not an entirely lost cause). But I know in the end writing and selling a book like the one I want to do won't solve my problems, if I decided to quit everything now.
I hope you see what I mean. Though also, these are all still my decisions - and all are important to meet every goal I have. I'm sure and I realize that this is all a process - which I've had to go through to get to this kind of conclusion, and same as there's been these changes, stuff will keep happening as well. Some things for better, some things for worse. But do note, that the idea that I have will not fade away in the upcoming years.
I guess the bottom line is, life just keeps happening.